Okay. It’s been long enough. This is the ninth Fetish Friday post, it is about damn time that I tell you about my very favourite fetish, my very first fetish, the kink about which I am most passionate, and the skill to which I am most powerfully attracted:
You are feeling sleeeeeeepy…
Yes, I am a hypnokinkster.
Now, dear reader, you might be thinking to yourself, Sarah! You’ve been so open with us! If you’re so passionate about this, why have you waited until now to share?
Well, the truth is, erotic hypnosis is one of those kinks that, while much more common than it seems, tends to be auto-filed under OMG TOO WEIRD FOR ME before it’s given a fair shake. So I wanted to warm you up to the Fetish Friday Feature with material that’s a little more culturally recognizable, things you’ve probably run across in various articulations of pop culture, before taking you into territory that is lesser known to the general public.
Here we are again on Fetish Friday! Last week, we talked about spanking and its various psychological and physiological appeals and effects. I promised you last week that I would explain subspace in a forthcoming post, and here is that post! For the uninitiated, you might think that I am talking about some kind of high-tech encrypted communications protocol, or the deep web, a video game, or sub-basements, but in the kink and fetish world, subspace is a whole other thing.
No, not this subspace either. (img: scottpilgrim.wikia.com)
As I mentioned last week, “subspace” is the term we use for the altered state of consciousness that a sub can achieve through prolonged intense stimulation, pain/trauma play and multiple subsequent endorphin floods. For those who don’t know about altered states of consciousness, an altered state is basically a state in which your brainwaves are functioning in ways other than your basic defaults of “awake and alert” and “sleeping”. This is a very basic definition, as brains are complicated and even the foremost neuroscientists aren’t quite sure how exactly they work, so analyses of the nature of subspace tend to be largely anecdotal. This one will be no different; as always, I write primarily from my experience and the experiences of those who’ve shared with me.
So! What does subspace feel like?
So! Spankings! Generally, the first thing people seem to think of when I say “kinky” (at least, those of a more vanilla/uninitiated persuasion) is usually something along the lines of “Oh, like, spankings and stuff?”
Yes! Like spankings and stuff! Let’s talk about spankings. It seems like a pretty simple concept, right? Take someone over your knee and give their ass a good sound walloping. But it’s not quite so simple as that. There’s a real skill, dare I say an art, to giving a really good erotic spanking, the kind of spanking that leaves the sub flushed and hot and begging for more.
Uphill gardening. Following Stephen Fry. Fudge packing. Bringing up the rear. Taking the back lane. Browning your sausage. Rear entry. Bottom banging. Down there. The other hole. The chocolate tunnel. The wrong hole. Sodomy. Buggery.
Yes, that’s correct, my feisty Friday friends, today we are talking about…
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN
WAIT! Don’t run! Just wait.
Hear me out. Have I failed you yet? Stick with me. We’ll get through this together.
For this week’s kinky conversation, I’d like to follow up on my article from two weeks ago that discussed how to deal with feelings of shame around our fetishes. Now that we’ve acknowledged that shame can sometimes throw a wet blanket on our sexy times, and can sometimes raise difficult and uncomfortable questions about the ways our fantasies represent parts of ourselves, let’s talk about some strategies that will help navigate these feelings and questions in a healthy, boner-edifying way.
I think one of the most important things to do when preparing to venture into the more taboo and risqué fantasies is to take some time to recognize the divide between the world of fantasy and the world of the real. Children do this all the time, as I have discussed before. They routinely flit between fantasy and real worlds in play, long after they’ve understood that Santa isn’t real and dragons are metaphors. The knowledge that the fantasy world isn’t “real” doesn’t constrict the joy of play; on the contrary, it enhances and liberates it. Knowing that their play-actions in fantasy will not ripple over into the real, they can explore fantastical scenarios, including those of danger and violence, without fearing any real harm.
Mm mm mm, one of my favourite things. I love bondage play. I love the feeling of struggling against a restraint and knowing that I’m being contained and controlled physically. I love not being able to recoil from a partner I trust implicitly. The struggle-and-fail cycle is one that I, among many other bondage fiends, find very arousing and stimulating. The rush that we feel from being restrained can be rooted in different psychological and physiological factors, depending on who you ask (because as we have established, people are complicated).
For me, at the heart of it, it’s mostly about confronting and conquering fear: I am claustrophobic, and I tend to panic in confined spaces and situations. Being restrained in a comfortable and controlled environment gets me right up close and personal to the physiological aspects of the fear response, without having to be overwhelmed by the psychological ones. Simply put, my body can kind of freak out and release all sorts of adrenaline and endorphins into my system, heightening sensitivity and mental acuity, increasing my heart rate, making me flush and buzz and tremble with excitement, while my mind remains very serene and focused in the scene and on my partner.
There are a lot of different kinks and fetishes out there. The intricate tapestry of our genes, social contexts, upbringings, and sexual histories can contain myriad combinations of interconnecting factors that make any one thing or circumstance particularly arousing or exciting to think about. Feet, tickling, human furniture, cuckolding, anal play, watersports… It’s different for everyone, and that is okay! But one thing that many of us kinksters have to think very critically about at some point is the inevitable moment when our arousal steers our fantasies into territory that normally, we’d find pretty uncomfortable.
For a long time, I struggled with a great deal of shame and guilt over what I’d find myself fantasizing about late at night.